Bill Maher for March 2nd

This is the transcript of the final "New Rule" from the March 2nd episode of "Real Time with Bill Maher" that I mentioned in a previous blog entry.

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And finally, New Rule: If you don't think your daughter getting cancer is worse than your daughter having sex, you're doing it wrong. Last year, modern medicine came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that can virtually wipe out the sexually-transmitted disease called HPV, which leads to the cancer.

But not everyone is pleased with this vaccine. There are Christian values groups and churches nationwide who are fighting it. Briget Maher – no relation–and none planned – formerly of the Family Research Council– says giving girls the vaccine is bad because– quote – "the girls may see it as a license to engage in pre-marital sex."

Hey, Mrs. Maher, let me tell you something. Your daughter is already on the Internet exchanging bondage fantasies with a German boy she met on MySpace. Forget HPV. She's on to S&M. And Mrs. Maher, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there's only one foolproof method to make a woman abstinent: marry her.

So, let's review here. HPV is a new STD that the CDC wants teens vaccinated for PDQ. And that's not sitting well with the Harper Valley PTA. They think if a teenage girl feels a little prick, she's going to want to feel a whole lot more.

But, HPV shots don't cause promiscuity. Tequila shots do. And MTV. And having moron parents you want to escape from. Hey, when you're 15 years old, breathing encourages sexual activity.

But, let's be frank. These values groups aren't just against the HPV shot. They're against family planning and condoms and morning-after pills. They want to make sure sex is as dangerous as possible, so that kids know if they sleep around and get an STD, that's God teaching them a lesson. And that lesson is: "You should never have tried out for 'American Idol' in the first place!"

Now, I know our kids are dumb. I just read it in a New Rule. But, will they really have sex with anything that moves just because they know there's a vaccine? People don't get the vaccine for typhoid and say, "Great, now I can drink the sewer water in Bombay!" It's like being against a cure for blindness because it'll encourage masturbation!

It's like being for the salmonella poisoning in peanut butter because it will discourage weirdos from spreading it on their ass and calling the dog!

If this is the nonsense you're teaching your kids, they're already screwed.

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