Corporate secrets

As a Microsoft employee, I am privy to information about upcoming product releases. Here's a list of features you'll see in the first quarter of 2007:

• Microsoft Flight Simulator steps up the realism: with the purchase of the software you get a year's supply of stale peanuts (offer valid in continental United States). Also, every once in a while the plane will be highjacked by a randomly determined extremsit group. Keep an eye out for the super-rare Jehovah's Witnesses highjacking!
• Microsoft Vista, the all-new release of Windows, will now cater to "alternative-lifestyle users" with the introduction of the Rainbow Screen of Death. California users will also notice a change from old-fashioned error message to Haiku poetry.
• A Corporate Edition of Vista is announced. This version comes bundled with productivity software such as Office, FrontPage, and Access. This version of Vista also has a slew of one-key shortcuts: 17 open Microsoft Word, 8 open Solitaire, 19 crash the computer and delete the last saved document and a whopping 35 randomly-assigned keys send pornographic virus-laden e-mails to everyone in the office.
• MSN Messenger is undergoing several updates: in addition to being able to chat with Yahoo! Messenger users, it will now support tin-can-and-string users. Support for smoke-signal users is currently in development.
• Microsoft prides itself on building for the future, so the latest updates to the satellite images shown on MSN Maps don't come as a surprise: Apple's campus now appears as a mile-wide smoking crater while Google resembles the slum towns dating back to The Great Depression.

That is all for now. Good luck and God bless.