Dear Abby...

Dear Abby: I am a perfectly happy 26 year-old married to the best man in the world. Except that he is a selfish bastard.
Last week we went to IKEA with my father, Bub. I pointed Bub toward a tray of meatballs that IKEA was trying to sell. Bub sampled a meatball and proceeded to tell me it was the most delicious thing ever. He of course forgot about my world-famous lasagna, otherwise he wouldn't have hurt my feelings that way. I told him that we couldn't buy the meatballs because they needed to be frozen, and we had more stops to make that day.
Yesterday, my husband, Hank, was at IKEA, obviously checking out the newly-wed women, and he picked up the meatballs. When he got home, he proceeded to brag on endlessly about how he searched and searched, sailed the high seas and wrestled alligators, and finally found the meatballs. Bub proceeded to thank Hank for his thoughtfullness and the two ended up going to a bar, probably hitting on those skanky waitresses.
What can I do about Hank? He took credit for the meatballs that I was going to buy Bub? I don't know if I can remain in this marriage when I know that my husband is such a selfish man.

-Abused in Virginia

Dear Abused: What kind of crap do you think I reply to? Your letter is pathetic, you're clearly a loser and your husband is cheating on you! Why am I even spending time answering your letter when there are much more important issues for me to address, such as which side up should the silverware be placed in the dishwasher, the proper way to tell a co-worker that "no, I won't attend your stupid party" (but in a nice way) and of course the ubiquitous "I can't get along with people 'cause I'm too high-strung and this broom in my ass is making my nose itch!"
That being said, go into counseling. You wouldn't believe how many abused women that advice has helped. Mainly, you wouldn't believe it cause it hasn't helped many. But I fear change, and moving away from the comfortable "see a counselor" answer scares me like a black man on a dark street. Go into counseling!
It sounds like Bud and Hank really hate your cooking. With a vengeance. So I suggest one of my dozen books (they're not really mine, they're my mom's, but as you can see I can't do anything original and have to take the scraps she throws me from the big-people table) of recipes that readers have sent in. Buy it. It will solve all your problems. Can't figure out what too cook and they guests are at the door? Have to slip poison to your loved one and need something disgusting to cover up the flavor of arsenic mixed with fecal matter? Need to negotiate terrorists out of a 34-story sky-scraper while trying to salvage your failing and pointless marriage? Read my book! Buy multiple, in case you accidentally burn one!
Normally, I would include a crap-load of letters from other losers like yourself, but I'm not hung over today and don't need a cheap way out.
Get counseling!