Hillarious Christian TV

I was in Redmond, WA (or was it Bellevue?) this week and I happened to watch a fair bit of Christian TV. It's this channel that continuously shows massive halls or churches or arenas that hold thousands upon thousands of sheep Christians. It's truly fascinating to see so many mis-guided people in one place, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.
So, the preachers (or whatever) often talk about how people ought to be grateful to God for all the good stuff that happens to them. The specific example they used were:

• A good job
• Good Health
• A preacher's life was saved when his car spun out on the highway
• Alcoholics who gave up the bottle entirely when they found God
• Homosexuals who... anyway, same thing as the alcy
• People who were brought up from their various down-points by belief in God
• Families salvaged

And on and on, ad nauseum. But I was watching this 'cause the more they talked, the funnier and more ridiculous it seemed.
Some Jehovah's Witnesses were at our house a while back (there's a picture of them a ways down on this blog) and they were saying how they don't drink (that's what they said, even though Witnesses are allowed to drink in moderation, as the great Wiki tells us), smoke, don't have sex before marriage, do anything fun or do any other "sinful" things. And that's why they are in good health and their lives are good and all that same old crap.
Putting the two together, I suppose a person who doesn't do any of the aforementioned and praises God for all the good stuff is going to live a nice, peaceful life. So, I guess good Christians die good deaths. Nothing like being trapped under a burning truck or dying for years from some oh-too-painful disease.
You know what I found out when I tried to confirm this? Two things, really:

• There are no statistics about which deaths are more popular (bad choice of words? bite me!) among which religion
• There's no such thing as "a peaceful death", or at least it's not counted in the statistics

Here's a link to the 2002 death statistics (death is death, not like these will change drastically in four years): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_causes_of_death_by_rate
Notice the top contenders: 3 diseases, cancers and stroke. Jeez, doesn't sound like those people went peacefully. In fact, take a look at the list and tell me one cause of death in there that sounds like something a good Christian, or whatever, would choose. Come to think of it, the Witnesses that came over are an interesting example: the guy has been married before, and his wife died of cancer. Assuming that she was a good Witness, it seems like she got royally shafted. Imagine going through your life and being oh-so-good-and-boring and then dying from cancer. Seem like a cosmic joke to you?
Of course, if a good God-praising goober does get a disease, cancer, infection, whatever, they're not gonna say "praise God for years of pain and my hair falling out due to chemo". Nor will they shake their fist up at the sky and yell "damn you, you sadistic bastard!" Nah, they'll just say "God has a plan" (boy, that one never gets old!) and go on dying. Cause they're sure as hell not gonna take themselves out of the equation. So, where does God come in to all this? Here you have a faithful servant, and God chooses to shaft you? In fact, shaft everyone and anyone, according to the stats.
Go on, lead a good life and know that in the end you're dying the same painful, ugly, undignified death as the Muslim, Jew, Hindu or that smug atheist.